That’s a lot of material, and you’d be forgiven for thinking that there would be some dip in quality towards the end. But Joe’s Garage is one of Zappa’s most extraordinary recordings. It's two hours long, tells a (mostly) coherent story, makes some fierce political points, introduces several musicians who would be with the composer throughout the early ‘80s, offers yet more proof that Zappa was one of the best guitarists who ever lived, and even packs an emotional wallop. Joe’s Garage is confident and consistent, balancing Zappa’s cranky-old-man anger with snarky fun.
Joe’s Garage is a story about a world in which music has been outlawed. Ever the reactionary, Zappa saw this as a definite possibility, as detailed in his liner notes. The world of Joe’s Garage lives under a system of total criminalization, an attempt to make everyone the same in the eyes of the law. With the understanding that most people are too lazy to commit real crimes, the lawmakers of this world have banned music as a way of tricking people into becoming criminals.
It’s convoluted, but regardless of the logical hoops, the result is a world without music. The album, then, takes the form of one of those cheesy educational filmstrips, the ones that attempted to keep kids from drinking and doing drugs by showing cautionary tales. It’s narrated by the Central Scrutinizer, a shadowy, whispering figure (who quite resembles the voice threatening to erase all of the Zappa masters on We’re Only In It for the Money), and it traces the story of Joe, a wannabe musician who picks up a guitar and, very quickly, descends into a life of sexual depravity.
For once, Zappa has a conceptual framework on which to hang his own fascination with sex in all its forms. Joe’s Garage is filthy – it includes songs about sex with machines, venereal diseases, prison rape, and of course, groupies. And though it’s clear that the songs came first, and the concept stitching them together was written later, the notion that the Central Scrutinizer would want to show these acts in as much finger-wagging detail as possible helps to excuse Zappa’s excesses this time. It still can get a bit much, particularly on songs like “Stick It Out” and “Sy Borg,” but it makes sense for the story.
Musically, Joe’s Garage is the slickest rock album Zappa had ever produced. Everything here sounds mixed for radio, even songs like “Crew Slut,” which could not possibly have been radio hits. Zappa’s late-‘70s band is in the midst of morphing into his early-‘80s band, with guitarist Warren Cuccurullo, keyboardist Peter Wolf, bassist Arthur Barrow and phenomenal drummer Vinnie Colaiuta all making their debuts.
But perhaps the most important debut belongs to singer Ike Willis, Zappa’s new partner in crime. Willis has a tremendous, soulful voice, and a sense of humor that matches Zappa’s – he threw himself into every crazy, perverse idea Zappa threw at him, and by the time of 1984’s Thing-Fish, he was a full collaborator, urging Zappa to push things further. Willis adds immeasurably to Joe’s Garage, starting with its title track, but truly shining on the mournful “Outside Now,” which closes Act II.
But listeners in September 1979 had no idea what awaited them two months hence. In Act I, Joe barely leaves his garage. The Scrutinizer begins Joe’s tale with his first musical infraction – creating a band and jamming with them. “Joe’s Garage” is a determinedly simple affair, based around a typical three-chord rock progression symbolizing the uncomplicated joy of music. The signature two-note guitar line appears here in a joyous rendition, as Joe and his band attract the attention of the girls in the neighborhood, and one angry mother. Then the SWAT team moves in.
“Naturally, we went easy on him,” the Scrutinizer says, and Joe is let off with a warning. He moves into “church-oriented social activities,” and here we get “Catholic Girls,” Zappa’s rejoinder to the Anti-Defamation League for criticizing “Jewish Princess” earlier in the year. Here Zappa delivers a stream of clichés and stereotypes about suburban Catholics, which hewed much closer to his own demographic, as a way of showing that everyone should laugh at themselves. (Listen for the “Jewish Princess” riff near the end, driving the point home.)
“Catholic Girls” introduces Mary, the female lead of Joe’s Garage, voiced by Dale Bozzio, wife of Terry. Mary is one of those Catholic girls “learning to blow all the Catholic boys,” with “a tongue like a cow, she can make you go ‘wow’.” The action follows Mary from here, as she falls in with a band, then participates in a wet t-shirt contest to afford bus fare. Both of these songs – “Crew Slut” and “Fembot in a Wet T-Shirt” – are breezy yet sneering affairs, and Zappa’s turn as the host of the wet t-shirt contest is both creepy and hilarious. “Our prize tonight is fifty American dollars to the girl with the most exciting mammalian protuberances…”
Having made his point with Mary – that music leads to sexual excess – the Scrutinizer turns back to Joe, who has contracted a venereal disease from a local girl named Lucille. “Why Does It Hurt When I Pee” is a song only Zappa would write, full of mock drama and a dazzling orchestral interlude. Willis sings his heart out on this one, particularly at the end – the final refrain must be heard to be believed. The album ends on a cliffhanger. After a slow and slinky cover of Jeff Simmons’ “Lucille Has Messed My Mind Up,” the Scrutinizer tells us that Joe, his mind in a fog, begins giving money to L. Ron Hoover and the First Church of Appliantology.
The story would pick up on Act II three months later. (Half of Act II is about robot sex, the other half about prison sex.) As a standalone album, Joe’s Garage Act I is naturally incomplete, but there’s enough here to satisfy fans of Zappa’s Sheik Yerbouti material. The rip-snorting guitar-rock is toned down by many orders of magnitude here – if not for the sex-obsessed lyrics, much of this would fit nicely on classic rock radio. Zappa does take one extended solo, during “On the Bus,” but largely leaves the guitar heroics for Act III. This first act is a shined-up, glittering little record, with few hints of the depravity, anger and sadness that awaited in November.
Rating: Essential.
Which version to buy: Joe’s Garage is only available as a two-CD set merging all three acts. The 2012 Zappa/Universal remaster sounds crisper and clearer than previous versions, but this album has always sounded good.
Next week: Joe’s Garage Acts II and III.
